Some, like my father and his wife, are healthy, independent and socially active in their late 80’s. Others are still mentally sharp and living on their own, but physically, they’re winding down like an old clock and need careful monitoring.
And then there are elderly parents who suffer from the after-effects of injuries (like falls), illnesses (like strokes, cancer or diabetes), or debilitating degenerative ailments like Alzheimer’s or Parkinson’s disease who require round-the-clock professional care.
Let’s say you’re on a business trip in Omaha when your Mom falls down the stairs in Florida and breaks her hip. Or maybe you live only one town away when you get the call that you’re father’s been found wandering down Rt. 6 in his pajamas at 4 a.m. We had Dr. Spock and Terry Brazelton to guide us on “how to raise children,” but where do we go and what do we do when it’s suddenly time to help “raise” our elderly parents?
Many of us grew up with Nana or Meme living with us in a multi-generational home, with aunts and uncles downstairs or around the corner. But the “great generation” of today’s elderly parents oftentimes prefer not to move in with their adult children, seeking to maintain their autonomy and activities for as long as possible. They fear losing their hard-earned independence, they’re frustrated by their declining health and abilities, they’re saddened by the loss of old friends and their familiar social network. Above all, they’re fiercely proud and dread being thought of as “a burden” or possibly resented for their perceived neediness and “uselessness.”
So what should you do?
Where do you, the adult child, go for advice and support? How can you best help your elderly parent without hurting yourself, your marriage/family, your finances, your job or your sanity?
Well, fear not. You’re not alone – there are many federal, state and local agencies/organizations/institutions, support services and professional resources for both your parent and you, their adult child caregiver.
Think first, then act
If your parent is reasonably healthy and independent enough to remain in his/her own home, or move to a retirement community or assisted-living facility, respect those wishes and offer what assistance, support and advice you can [see sidebar] – don’t try to convince them that it will be all sweetness and light if they move in with you instead. (You’ll both regret it.)
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